The Fire Breathing Kitten

Sometimes you can just tell that it’s not going to go anywhere. Then again, sometimes you’re okay with that.

He looked like he was going to be FUN. I messaged first. We exchanged some sarcasm and I put him on the back burner without much thought. He later shared that this made him even more interested in me. He asks for my number and we start texting.

I could tell pretty soon that this guy didn’t know what he wanted. When he responded that it had been “one year and one month” since his divorce, I knew it was something he still hadn’t fully gotten over. I also picked up on some covert mommy issues. Sometimes my clinical insight is a curse.

He was a little too quick to call me pet names and tell me how much he liked me. Of course, my natural reaction is to bring a healthy dose of realism to the convo because his imagination is obviously working overtime. When he finds out that I pretty much live down the road, his imagination started a long term relationship with me. He got way too excited, telling me that I’m close enough that he could come kill a spider for me, that he could “swing by if we hadn’t seen each other that day,” and offered to help me with the various around the house projects I am working on.

One night, after a bottle and a half of wine, my innocence went out the window. This guy is itching to send me a DP. He’s obviously pretty proud of it. I tell him to wait, but that doesn’t stop us from exchanging some pretty racy messages, which continued through the next day and then he asked me out. I tell him I can’t. He tells me his dad is coming to visit that weekend so he won’t be available until Sunday. I respond and tell him that the only day that would even remotely work for me was Friday night after a  gala that I was attending. Suddenly, Friday opened up for him.

He texts me all day Friday, telling me how excited he is to be able to take me out. I tell him I’d let him know what the definitive plan would be later in the evening. If he only knew that I had no intention of us ever going out…

He texts me and asks me how the evening is going. I let him know that I’ve had quite a few drinks. He gets concerned that I won’t want to spend time with him. I assure him this is not the case. I let him know when I am headed home and he tells me that he is getting ready. When I get close to home I tell him that I don’t feel like going out and invite him over instead. I pass out on the couch and wake up to my phone ringing because this guy’s GPS ended him short of my house.

The doorbell rings. I make my way in 5 inch stilettos to greet him. He’s cute. I see his chest tattoo peeking through his buttoned down shirt and I know what’s going down. We sit on the couch and start talking. I let him know that I’m not in the mood for talking. He asks for a tour of my house so I show him my bedroom and we stay there.

I try to make him feel a little less used by giving him a back massage and letting him talk about God knows what as I give the impression that I’m listening when in actuality all of my energy is focused on trying to stay awake. I walk him to the door and say goodnight.

This was so far from something I would’ve normally done, but it was also exhilarating and in my opinion, much deserved. In the end, we both got what we wanted without all the mess.

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